January 18, 2011

Though what I have been through is nowhere near the loss this woman has experienced, I do feel a certain similarity in our grief at having to deal with how the unthinkable actions of others continue to hurt and haunt us. Her blog is a raw, honest attempt to work through these daily struggles–to tell herself it is forever out of her control and to find closure where there is none to be found. This hit me hard:

My worst nightmares have always been those in which events happen over and over again, but no matter what you try, you can’t change the outcome. My waking life is starting to feel like that, too.

I still dream about what happened. I dream about everything I don’t know that happened. I know I shouldn’t obsess over the past–things that have moved away and are no longer my problem–but my heart and my brain are not in agreement and every morning I wake up with a pain in my chest that tells me I’ll need a body transplant if I’m ever going to forgive you for what you did.

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