felon degenerous

September 13, 2009


Above my desk in the DT Lifestyle office, there is a letter-sized glossy press photo of everyone’s grandma’s favorite lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres. She was a stand-up comedienne before Comedy Central was thought of, successful as a sitcom star during the reign of observational comedy, has been winning over middle-American housewives with a mid-day talk show since 2001 and as of Wednesday, is going to be sitting in Paula Abdul’s seat as a judge on American fucking Idol. In addition to further solidifying Ellen’s status as the non-obtrusive celebrity lesbian (that makes homophobes less homophobic for accepting–go Portia DiRossi!), her position on the judging panel is meant to give voice to the “everyman.”

As Idol’s super-huge-number-one-fan (have you seen how many contestants have performed on her show?), Ellen is offering her opinion as that of every asshole sitting at home that doesn’t know shit about music, but feels that they have a valuable opinion about the contestant-choosing process (as if talent matters anyway!). But this presents me with three problems and one positive note:

Problem 1: Isn’t the point of charging for cell phone votes supposed to give opinion to the everyman? It’s called American Idol, people, meaning that the premise was not that unlike our actual democratic setup: three “experts” judge hopefuls in a way that would garner ratings then the rest of the country “votes,” feeling that their opinion was heard, but in the end, who the fuck knows! Throwing Ellen on the panel is like electing Joe Plumber to congress.

Problem 2: Even in her most coherent moments, Paula Abdul was never full of the entertainment experience one would expect from a Patrick Swayze-screwing former Laker girl-turned American Idol judge? Sometimes it seemed as if all her years of singing with cartoon cats and “Straight Up”-ing had no effect on her ability to recognize talent in others and maybe it was the xanex making the whole world around her a part of her lucid dream, but everything she said could have easily been fed into her ear by an overweight mother of two from Witchita. Ellen’s place on the judging panel is only to give a sober validity to Abdul’s slurred comments.

Problem 3: Ellen’s sexuality makes her new position as judge proof of the entertainment industry’s progressive ideals, but wouldn’t the idea of a lesbian’s opinion representing that of the everyman piss off the same sweeping demographic of assholes that wouldn’t vote for Obama simply because he’s black?

Positive note: At least she won’t sleep with any of the underage male contestants.

Here’s a sneak peek at the art that almost made it to the top of this rant!!!


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