this is not hot

December 20, 2008

Click the thumbnail above and you will see a scan of an article that I came across in one of my pity reads through The Press-Telegram. Open it in another window then read the following:

The Long Beach Press-Telegram continues to depress me. In these tight-budget times and holiday mopefests, is it so much to ask for a local style columnist with long grey hair and a penchant for Hawaiian shirts (that probably smells like Morrisey and Steven Segal) to not take up 700 words detailing how nude he and an ambiguous other person were when they were scheming of ways to get some stray lint out of the bottom of the lint trap? The man pictured to the right of his monstrous wall of horribly-written squabber talks about how “the abesnce of clothes tightens up your range in looking for things” and repeatedly gives me scarring mental images of him “hopping mad and naked at the same time” brainstorming about tangental magnet inventions in the shower. When he finally does finally put on clothes, it’s to discover that all along they had a rubber grabber like the one my grandpa has because he can’t reach for things anymore; a device that saved their big, stressful, naked day. It is because of this nude experience (nudesperience) that Tim Grobaty–a man officially on my slap list–wants to tell the world that his Christmas gift idea number one for 2008 is (drumroll, pleasseeeee……) “A 24-INCH FLEXIBLE CLAW GRABBER PICK UP TOOL WITH RELEASE PLUNGER” FOR ONLY $2.24 AT TRUE VALUE HARDWARE!!!!!!@!#@#!@#))!

For the love of fuck, Tim, you could have recommended pointless, unthoughtful gifts paragraphs ago! Next time, please skip the part about how you didn’t have clothes on and get to the point: you’re a cheap fucking friend. For more Grobaty word antics, check out this gem published on the inside front cover of The Press Telegram a few weeks ago (as before, open in new window). Just don’t think too long about how much that first sentence contradicts itself or you’ll never get to the part about milkshakes named after famous people and how “Jesus Week” inspires him to upload carols to his ipod.

And in case there is another living being reading this blog besides me, this is a notice that I am going to take some time off of posting for the holidays and try and finish some projects. Try not to miss me to much.


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