November 15, 2008

A recent study has determined that fat children make fat adults and their fat insides are too fat for their little outsides. Actually, the findings only merely “suggest” that obese children have an increased risk of heart disease, but it apparently freaked the crap out of Colorado’s “Skinniest State in the Country” title.

Diabetes, heart failure, endless mocking from your peers. We know the risks, but what about the hilarious?

Last night, I needed to cheer up so I watched Heavyweights and aside from discovering that JUDD FUCKING APATOW wrote the thing, I realized that nothing will ever be funnier than fat kids and their zany antics. I was lucky enough to live in the golden age of children’s cinema, when politically correct wasn’t a thought to Disney and counselors at summer camps could say “best damn summer” and Daniel Stern can pose as a scout leader and say that “[climbing Everest] was a bitch” (that’s a Bushwacked reference).

This is not the appropriate time or place to go into my unhealthy obsession for this genre of movies, but it is to say that fat kids are allowed to be fat kids. You can remove all the snacks from Chimpmunk Bunk, but you can’t erase amazing cannonballs off the blob or take away nicknames like “Salami Sam.” Those kids even had a drug ring operation set up for junk food. The message now is clear: being fat is bad but the message then–and one that I relived last night–is that fat kids are smarter, nicer, funnier, and better at driving go karts than all the skinny fucks over at camp MVP combined. And there’s nothing that Tony Perkins can do to change that.


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