by the minute: debate #1

September 27, 2008

So I got home a little late tonight, but I tuned in during the foreign policy banter. I was on the scene (sitting on a beach chair in my living room) when it was reiterated that McCain is old and Obama isn’t friends with Kissinger on Myspace. By the minute:

6:56-The first slip-up since I turned on the TV goes to….McCain! And a million miles away, Osama is in the process of renaming his terrorist force the ‘tally-pan’?

6:59-McCain’s war stance is backed by bracelets he received that say army moms at town hall meetings “don’t want their kids to die in vain.”

7:00-Obama has bracelets, too. But these say “don’t let another kid die in vain.” Zing!

7:03-“We did it just for you, Jim.” Is Obama flirting with the moderator?

7:05-Epic ribbon-clutching eagle graphic hanging in the background will soon be immortalized as empty-space filler for 9-11 back pieces.

7:07-This CNN audience reaction meter is flatlining but watching it is still more interesting than listening to McCain talk about who he’s hung out with and how much he idolizes Reagan.

7:10-Ahmadinejad is not invited for high tea.

7:12-Republicans droppin’ names like bombs over Baghdad.

7:13-Apparently, the difference between North Koreans and South Koreans is 3-inches in average height. Under McCain’s plan, money will be set aside to figure out why.

7:15-Kissinger and McCain are apparently friends on Myspace (but IRL for 35 years).

7:16-According to the reaction meter, everyone is stoked about that (or they’re sitting on their voting remotes).

7:18-Didn’t we stop being afraid of Russia when they dropped their acronym and started selling their underage women to American businessmen over the internet??

7:19-Unlike hair metal awesomeness Firehouse, when McCain looks into Putin’s eyes, all he sees is “K-G-B.”

7:21-According to Obama, making googly eyes and reading souls of communist leaders is not the answer to proper foreign diplomacy. Candidates are getting feisty!

7:24-And when it comes to energy and dependence, America needs new boots.

7:27-McCain says we are less at risk now than we were on September 12, 2001. Although I don’t know who would attack a country the day after they–uh–just attacked them, it was probably Iraq.

7:30-“Fwd: Fwd: Find common ground and be nice throughout debate” memo got lost in McCain’s inbox.

-Cut to Jim Lara asleep with his eyes open.

7:35-If elected, McCain promises to cuddle with each veteran for at least 15 minutes after sex.

7:35-McCain now-available as Taco Bell’s “good to go” spokesperson. Obama available for on-the-job training.

7:38-Cindy McCain paid $300,000 for 1/3 of the American flag and all I got was this stupid economic crisis.

In the time it took me to spell check my play by play, both camps released statements saying that their side won, but really, no one won. McCain doesn’t know the economy and Obama hasn’t had eye sex with Putin so both are technically unprepared for the all-encompassing role of president if just comes down to one decision: do you want to give someone who has experience in our botched government a chance to fix it or are you willing to take a chance and overhaul the whole thing?

I want to wipe this slate clean (as much as possible) and give Obama a chance to implement the change that this downward spiral needs (lest my tax money be spent on buying out stupid bank decisions and new pantsuits for the first lady).


2 Responses to “by the minute: debate #1”

  1. kenoftroy said

    Hell, McCain said he won the debate BEFORE the debate even started.
    Every time McCain talks about Russia, I begin to hear ominous music in the background. I honestly think the first thing he’d do as president is launch the Cold War part II. Plus then he’d reinvade Vietnam so that he could become a POW again and use that as a defense for the next 40 years of his political career.

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