newz

September 22, 2008

These two news stories cheered me up although neither of them are probably very funny: One is a serious news story about the tragic death of Norman, the cat dressed up as a Christmas present, who was brutally murdered last week by his owner’s jealous boyfriend, a man with self-confidence issues larger than his minor league baseball career could fix.

Norman was a good–nay–great cat. He will always be remembered for his distinctive purr and how adorable it was that the second you let him out, he would immediately want to come back in. He is survived by his now-lonely, still-obsessive owner and probably lots of brothers and sisters. It was Norman’s wishes to be buried in his litter box with his favorite wire-infused ribbon tied around his neck. Services, when announced, will be held in the backyard of the bereaved.

the next story is the miraculous, albeit sickening, recovery of Travis Barker and DJ AM, who, after getting burned to a crisp in a botched takeoff from a South Carolina airport, managed to make it past critical condition and stall premature celebrations of their passing. I just wonder what kind of sick, unjust God would kill the other four passengers on the plane (two pilots and two members of Barker’s entourage) and make sure that the two moderately-famous people survive to ruin rock’s greatest hits during the commercial breaks at the Video Music Awards. The two were charred pretty badly, so maybe God was giving Barker an easy way to get rid of his body’s-worth of stupid tattoos and AM an excuse to call Nicole Richie again (because near death experiences are always an excuse). Or maybe God is just so fed up with the economy and global warming that he sits around rotting his brain with MTV all day. I would.

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