not even funny

September 21, 2008

On August 13th, I was prowling a certain internet classified for a job better than graveyard shift at a local 24-hour beachside diner when I came across a big thing about how the Laugh Factory in Long Beach at The Pike (at Rainbow Harbor) was hiring servers and cooks. The Pike at Rainbow Harbor is a monstrosity of human acheivement, a failed entertainment/shopping center designed to “revitalize” the downtown area that ended up with Gameworks and a Segway store, making it a great example of what happens when the earth opens up and allows demons from the suburbs fly out and vote at board room meetings.

I won’t go into too much detail about the drama surrounding the city’s efforts but the Long Beach Redevelopment Agency has ruined our fair city with stupid decisions like the civic center complex–including the main library which is now being shut down, pine street, tearing down historic landmarks and awesome art deco buildings for no reason and the new Pike. They took the Coney Island of the West Coast (also where my grandparents honeymooned) into an Earth-toned-stucco-and-vast-concrete-wasteland that no one would go to unless they had to eat lunch after the anime convention across the street.

When I moved to downtown Long Beach in 2005, the large corner unit at the monstrous marina-side complex had already been covered by a “Laugh Factory Coming Soon” banner for three years, yet it still remained empty. I would walk by it on my way to Borders sometimes (or to an empty midnight showing of Tropic Thunder) and debate over whether or not having a comedy club in town is a good thing. And even though I’ve heard rumors about the false alarms–like hiring a full staff then postponing the opening– I responded to their recent Craigslist ad with this:

Mika,

I came across your job posting on Craigslist and can’t explain how excited I am that The Laugh Factory in Long Beach is hiring!

As a second-generation Hollywood native, I grew up watching some of my favorite comedians at the original Sunset Blvd. location and when I moved to downtown Long Beach two years ago, I noticed your spot in the newly-renovated Pike development and eagerly anticipated its opening both for the employment and entertainment possibilities.

Between my tons of experience in both Long Beach’s food and nightclub industries, and overflowing personality (sense of humor included), I feel that I am more than qualified to help open your well-respected comedy club in my newly-adopted hometown. Attached is a copy of my resume which outlines my work in Long Beach’s bustling downtown nightlife and also my time spent at local restaurants, both of which require plentiful alcohol sales knowledge. Between my brains and subjective beauty lies responsibility, excellent customer service skills and a work ethic bordering on obsessive; and I would be honored to have the opportunity to share it with The Laugh Factory.

I am available anytime this week or next to stop by and meet with you in person (at either of your locations) so give me a call to arrange something.

Thank you in advance for your consideration. I know this is the 100th one of these pleas you’ve read today. šŸ™‚

Sincerely,
Xxxxx Xxxxxxx
cell:(xxx)xxx-xxxx

Because I’m a kiss ass and my email was infinitely lame, I didn’t hear back from “Mika,” but I did get the memo that Dane Cook and Jamie Kennedy and Bob Saget were going to be performing at their grand opening that I apparently wasn’t hired to help out during.

Well, that was last night and, turns out, I’m glad I was just an audience member because only two of the smaller comedians scheduled even showed up and after turning Paul Rodriguez into an impromptu headliner, a member of the audience (Josh the Cal State Long Beach student) came up to stall the crowd while the headless voice making announcements over the PA system tried to figure out if Jamie Kennedy’s water broke or he’s just in jail. And the whole time I wasn’t laughing at people straddling the fence with political jokes, I was wondering why the drinks were $15 each and why the clueless girl who never brought me the drink I asked for got hired over me.

Now I am convinced of the Pike’s utter uselessness. No one wants to drive down here to watch comedy in Long Beach’s most oppressive setting. Screw the Long Beach Redevelopment Agency for tearing down the Cyclone and filling in the water with a concrete parking lot for a lackluster concert arena and a fake mall where, last night, I watched a good venue go bad. At least I woke up to a great OC Weekly blurb about the horrifying attack on comedy.

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